HALT the crazies!

I've started calling it "The Crazies." Other expressions for the same thing would include "losing my cool," "melting down," and "system overload." I can tell it is somewhat hormone-driven, but not entirely. I am a sinful creature dealing with sinful creatures in a fallen world and sometimes things just get frustrating.

Usually it's a cumulative effect, although when my son is whiny with an ear infection, that is a sufficient cause in itself. I'd like to say that it's always something really bad, like kids hitting each other with baseball bats, breaking eggs on the carpet, eating poop, or leaving the garage door open so the cat runs away. Actually, none of those things has ever happened to me. I have an example of what would have caused the crazies, but first, here's an acrostic I hope you'll find amusing.

I've heard that anyone attempting behavior modification should remember the acronym HALT before they repeat a destructive behavior. HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. It's a way of analyzing yourself to figure out if I really need the next hit of your addiction. If you realize you're hungry, maybe you'll eat something instead of drinking alcohol, or maybe if you're tired, you'll realize it and sleep instead of spending more time on Facebook.

I am hungry, lonely, and tired most of the time as a mom. When I'm not actually alone, I do better controlling the crazies. The crazies and anger are first cousins, so asking myself in the moment if I'm angry would just make me more angry. (Actually, sometimes my daughter will ask, "You angry, mama?") Anger itself is not bad. Anyway, I have a new acronym that is a helpful checklist for me.

Hot - Am I just too warm? If we're outside too long, or I've got too many layers on, I get irritable. That's something I can control.
Anxious - Am I worried about something? Am I especially worried about my image? Am I getting mad bc my kids are hindering my ability to make an impressive presentation of myself? This is sin, and it comes between me and my kids.
Loud - I can only handle certain decibel levels. If it starts to get above that, my rational capacity break down. So, I may need to turn off the TV or music, stop the kid from yelling, put one of them in their room for time out, or get myself physically away for awhile if possible and safe. If life were a boombox, I'd just turn down the volume.
Touch - If kids are crawling on me while I'm trying to do something else, I very quickly get frantic. It's a kind of claustrophobia. It feels to me like things are breaking down. I can't tolerate it, so I don't try.

Really other than "A" this list is not at all spiritual, it's just a list of known triggers I can try to avoid or minimize. In the past I think I've tried to push myself beyond my capacity for the sake of humoring the kids, but in the end, it just isn't worth it if i can control it.

Not that my parenting should be all about my triggers. But it should include some attention to them. That's all I mean. What things do you think you need to HALT?

Experiment

I took a part time job. I cannot express the degree to which I wholeheartedly believe being a SAHM is more than enough work for anyone. This afternoon I have taken a break. I think I will make play-doh for the kids. Trying to do more stuff like that. When you have a lot to do, it's hard to know when/if to take a break. Oh, our dryer broke, and we have to figure out whether to spend a few hundred to get it fixed, or spend a few hundred more and get a new one.

I can't wait for this heat to go away. It is so hard to deal with. Can't get outside with the kids and tired of staying in. Summer, you're on notice!

So I have a lot going on and not a lot to sustain me. The only thing, really, is the joy of the Lord, which comes from being in His presence. Making it out of bed in the morning to spend time with him is the challenge. It means cutting back on other things. Sometimes I wonder in doing this if I am anti-social. Social networking drives me nuts and that's partly why I don't do it. I hope this is not bad for my kids. Ugh.

Mutuality

Have coffee next to computer in dining room for editing marathon. Kids are playing and winding down for bedtime in living room. There has been a lot more laughing and playing together lately. It starts with the kids laughing and playing together, and then magically we can all join. I have hopes of our family becoming a family that enjoys one another. Not that we loathe one another now, but up until now it has been about bearing with one another when we were together as a group.

The biggest changes are that Stefan is more smiley and engaging and Kyrstin is more verbal. So she is relating to me in new ways that are pleasurable and Stefan is wanting to have fun with us. I have a lot to be happy for but wish he could walk. Then I think it will be even more fun. They'll be able to run outside together, and he'll be better able to get away from her when he's being pestered.

Interrupted

Well, of course the party couldn't last for long.

I am drinking Diet Dr. Thunder this morning to get a caffeine buzz.

I need to list a good thing here. We are trying to save money but had some expenses come up. There was a promotion at our local warehouse club that allowed us to get $40 of free stuff. Now I need to figure out how to turn that free stuff into meals and make it last awhile. Also need to get ingredients to make my own laundry and dish detergents. Should be fun.

Not made much progress lately on the dissertation. Keep getting to the end of the day with not enough day left.

Daughter up, gotta close.

Ritual

For the past week or so, my kids have slept at the same time during the night and day. This allows for a routine. This, in turns, means I can account for my time, plan, and arrive at the end of the day not terribly exhausted. Right now, so help me, I even have a plate of oatmeal cookies and a steaming cup of decaf sitting next to my laptop. I don't want to gloat.

Ritual. Ritual is habit. Is habit ritual? No; habits are often forced whereas ritual is chosen. It is about control. Who is in control - the ritual or the ritualer? The ritualer would like to be. Ritual can be an indulgence, like these cookies. It can be symbolic, like the exchange of rings.

Is a routine a ritual? I think only when life is forced into subjection to it. When the routine is prioritized over something less important than the routine itself, it is a ritual; it is for its own sake. I must always ask myself, why must I do it this way?

In my own case, I know that I must have the joint nap time, and the sleeping through the night, if I'm going to have surplus energy after taking care of the kids all day. If one or both is awake all day, then my only time to complete tasks without them is when they go to bed, and after that, I go to bed. When they nap, or have their own quiet time, I can do house work, and then when they go to bed, I can study.

So, now, life flourishes because we have a routine. It is for our sake, our good, as a family. I admit there is a part of me that likes the routine for its own sake, too. I like feeling in control. However, with that admission, I feel like I have paid my dues the past 15 months or so of having no control and no routine, so I'm going to enjoy this coffee moment.

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What if women’s writing in the nineteenth century didn’t have to be about “killing the angel,” but about “finding the angles”? What if Harriet Beecher Stowe, X, and X, each in their own way, from their own subject positions, found that the most effective means of persuasion was to accept a set of limitations? Elizabeth Howells has argued that Hannah More, Eliza Cook, and Isabelle Bird prefaced their publications in ways that “gesture to appropriate feminine codes and to powerful rhetorical precedents in order to justify their projects” (137). These disclaimers, while limiting the persona of the author, seem, contradictorily, to establish an ethos of reliability and trustworthiness. Like Anne Hutchinson, the early American poet, each of these female authors acknowledges her limited resources and talent before presenting their products. The question is, to what extent was this modesty artificial, and to what extent was it useful?
“Artificial” has a range of connotations. On the negative end, it implies that something is not natural; false. On the other end, the origins of the word relate to something skillfully made. “Artifice” stems from this meaning but implies the use of skill for the purposes of deceit. The balance between deceit and cunning lies in the rhetor’s correct and ethical gauging of audience perception. If the rhetors aims are clearly stated, and he or she is really who he or she claims to be, then there is no fraud. If, on the other hand, the rhetor is claiming to comply with a custom or conform to a norm, and does not, there is fraud. From the outset, then, looking at the rhetorical and authorial claims of conservative 19th century women is a pursuit of an ethical question: were these women honest with themselves and their audiences?
For the most part, I believe they were. It was left to the 20th and 21st centuries to invent claims for women and then impose them on 19th century rhetors. The original question provoking this project was, if conservative Christian women knew the Pauline injunction against women preaching, why did they do it? The answer is simple: most of the time, they did not. Though modern scholars and thinkers like to attach the idea of “preaching” to the works of 19th century women, this is only a figure of speech, and it has gotten out of hand. A conservative 19th-century congregation would not feature a sermon by a woman. They might sing a hymn sung by a woman.

Changing Ideals of Womanhood during the 19th century woman movement

Just read the best article and hopefully will stay on the right track as I move forward. Took a lot of notes and copied/pasted.

True Womanhood - the thing it is popular to rail against as being ridiculous and unattainable and I agree.

Real Womanhood - hands and feet, flesh and blood, moral purity, dignity, domesticity

Public Womanhood - taking that moral capital and expanding one's domain

New Womanhood - expanding domain and casting off domesticity and tradition altogether.

... leading to modern feminism. Very helpful article for me.

Now, where to focus. Got some good books checked out. Got to find a place to stake my claims. Wondering if I could incorporate my thesis into diss. Don't want to be distracted by the prospect of being able to do something more easily. Got to keep learning. O Lord, direction? You've given me hope, excitement - I am not yet to the mountaintop.